The Selfish – I

How does it feel when someone tells you that you are selfish… and tells you upfront… blunt… on your face?

{Yes, I am asking you this question ! ! !

Take your eyes off the text. Close them. Now, look inwards, deep inside yourself. Keep looking for the answer till you get one at least. Then only continue reading. I insist.}

When someone reminds me that I am selfish, I smile. Yah, honestly… I smile.

But, it hurts and saddens when the person is angry, sad or disheartened due to my selfishness.

Yes, I am selfish… absolutely selfish… anytime, every time and always. It’s not that I have chosen to be selfish but actually I enjoy and love it. I am filled with all my selfish desires. “I” is my favourite word. I am my favourite hero, star, celebrity and I am the only one… The Only One and I mean it. I am unable to think, imagine or believe that there is anything truly exists without me. It’s always Me, Me and Me… anywhere… everywhere.

I am selfish enough to believe that I am the center of this universe. I am the focal point of the entire creation. I also believe God has created everything only for me; keeping my needs, tastes and preferences in mind. I am great… I am the legend. Ha ha ha ha ha…

God created light so that I can see things. Air to breath… water, soil, sun, moon, stars, galaxy… mountains, rivers, fountains, falls… tree, bird animals, creatures… all for me… only for me.

God created history, geography, management, mathematics, physics, chemistry… for me only… so that I can learn and understand things better.

God created my father, mother, brother, relatives, forefathers, friends… only for me; so that they give me identity, meaning and purpose.

God created villages, cities, towns, metros, continents… all for me; so that I can try and test my abilities across the demography.

God created happiness, fun, love, care, admiration, feelings; so that life can be even more beautiful and enjoyable.

God created difficulties, sadness, suffering, embarrassment, death; so that I can value everything that I have or desire.

God create troubles, hurdles, obstacles and situations so that I can fix them.

God designs and develops only for me… it is my personal designer.

God is there somewhere planning for his next course of action, looking after me, watching all my moves, mentoring and monitoring, testing me each and every moment.

Now, you know that it’s always ME… Me… and Me. You also have the answers for what, why, how and since when. So, what about you? What do you mean… to yourself… to me… to others… to God. If it’s only about me and for me then what and why are you for? Are you created only because I wanted or God felt the need of you in my life? Again all the WH questions arise.

Let me tell you this now and here that I do not know and care whether I wanted you or God has purposefully injected us to our lives. But, all I can say is since you came to my life, I find life worth living, earth is a better place to live. You have inspired, supported protected me. You have contributed to my life in a way that no one else can do… not even God can substitute you. It’s you who gave me purpose. It’s your love, care and affection that drives me. If it’s all about me… then I am no one without you. I have no meaning, no purpose, no identity… nothing… but you. You really make me whatever I am… Pua, Nana, Bhai, Bunu, Ansuman Jena, AJ all are notional. I can never exist without you.

Whether by now you have already told me that I am selfish or you are thinking or feeling the same or planning to tell me that I am selfish. Then I dedicate this post to you.  

Undoubtedly I hurt you and disappoint you almost every time.  But believe me, I think about you, care for you because I love you. I do not have the courage to tell/express you all these looking in to your eyes, holding your hands or seating besides you. Even I do not have the courage to tell you this over telephone. However, I wish someday I can create, borrow or steal some courage from somewhere to tell you all these.

So, who are you? My father, mother, brother, sister, relative, teacher, student, clique, friend, lover, senior, junior, acquaintance, known, unknown… whatever or who so ever you are… you are precious to me. You are my responsibility. If anything goes wrong then I am responsible. Because, I am the center of God’s creation. That is why I am selfish, rude, careless and offensive.

I am selfish in my own way.